Unsolicited Advice.

I, like millions of Americans, spent hours upon hours of my pre-Christmas time researching, looking for, buying, and creating my 2007 Christmas gifts. Unfortunately, I had the ill luck of designing a fundamental flaw in the gift I was to give my wife, my parents, and my brother and sister-in-law at its onset. As a result, not only was the Christmas cheer in short supply (at least from me), but the gift giving was a little light, too. I’m hoping this article, a gift of writing to my brother and sister-in-law, makes up for the lack of a physical present left under their Christmas tree.

My brother and his wife are expecting their first child next month, a baby girl. Congratulations! I have attempted, without success; although I have tried really hard, I promise, to minimize my unsolicited advice to them. For me, at first, before Taylor was born, I accepted all the unsolicited advice I could handle; or should I say stomach? I would stand in the hallways; late for the class I was to teach, just to catch the tiniest bit of motherly advice about the most trivial things a new father should concern himself. This interest, as all, I imagine, new parents can attest to, did not last long. Unsolicited advice, while usually filled with experience, wisdom, and genuine concern, is about as desired as a sixth finger or an extra toe; while interesting to look at, its usefulness is limited to the Creator.

Having digressed, my purpose in writing this posting is to offer all the advice I have been dying to give, but have restrained myself from doing so, to my brother. Read at your leisure; or do not read it at all.

Accepting help: Accept any and all legitimate offers of help. Legitimate is the key word in the last sentence. You’ll find plenty of people offering to baby-sit for a few hours or even a weekend. Most of these offers are polite sentiments offered to new parents, and some are flat out exaggerations of what they are willing to do for you. Just the same, a few hours here, a night there, will help you survive those days when you question, because you will, especially after the first few weeks without sleep, if having a child was the right thing to do this late in life. Just make sure you trust the person you’re entrusting your child to know exactly what you expect from them. Consider making a list, it helps; because there is nothing worse than trying to enjoy a slice of freedom worried about that little bundle you’ve just passed off for the night.

Baby books: The Vermont Born to read project recommends these books for the first year:
Moo Baa La La La by Sandra Boynton
Goodnight Moon by Margaret Wise Brown
The Big Book of Beautiful Babies by David Ellwand
Mary Had a Little Lamb by Sarah Josepha Hale
Pat the Bunny by Dorothy Kunhardt
My Very First Mother Goose by Iona Opie
All Fall Down by Helen Oxenbury
Pat-A-Cake and Other Rhymes by Joanna Cole and Stephanie Calmenson
Old Macdonald by Rosemary Wells
I Went Walking by Sue Williams

But really, any book will do at this point. I force myself to find at least 15 minutes to read to and 15 minutes to read with Taylor everyday. While this does not sound like much, sometimes, especially those crazy busy days, it is; and, daily consistency is more important than occasional exuberance.

Baby Tylenol: Also known as a growing baby’s father’s best friend. Be careful with the dosing. Tylenol can adversely affect the liver. Until the little one is 15 lbs., your pediatrician should prescribe the dosing amount.

Bath time: Taylor hated her first few baths; the water scared the hell out of her. So, for the first several weeks all you need to do is wash your child using the disposable bath cloths. We bathed Taylor on our bed. The cloths work great, because it is much easier to regulate baby’s core temperature if they are mostly dry. Anyways, it wasn’t until the second or third month we started giving Taylor a bath every other night. As our activities with her increased so did the number of baths; however, it still took some time before Taylor would stay in the water more than a few moments without crying. Also, have a decent baby lotion available after the bath. Babies have sensitive skin and chap easily.

Bedtime routine: For the first six months we did not have a routine. When Taylor fell asleep, she fell asleep. The only routine I could say we had was that I would stay up with her until she was tired enough for me to turn on the vacuum cleaner to get her to fall asleep (see “vacuum cleaner”); and then I would stick a bottle in her mouth until she dozed off. Be careful with this. I stopped allowing her to fall asleep with a bottle once I learned that babies who fall asleep with bottles in their mouths could have their teeth rotten out.

There are plenty of routines out there that people have used. For us, we still do not agree on how we should put Taylor down for the night. I have found that no matter what you decide to do, how you decide to put your child down, stick with it until you definitively know it works or it doesn’t work. Switching routines, especially in a mid-try, will, without fail, make for many miserable and disagreeable nights for you, your spouse, and baby. Trust me.

Lately, I now give Taylor her bath around 7 p.m. From, say, 7:30 p.m., and every fifteen to twenty minutes afterwards, I force feed her either bottle or jar food until she is ready for bed. While she may eat only a bite of table food or an ounce or two of formula, I keep shoving the food into her. Bedtime is now anytime after 8 p.m.; because we have learned that if she goes down before eight, she always wakes up too early in the morning. I now put her down when she shows the distinct signs of sleepiness: rubbing her eyes, rubbing her head on the floor, yawning, repeatedly falling down, etc.

Bottles: We quickly switched to Dr. Brown’s bottles. Although they began to leak a little around the seal not long after we bought them, the difference the bottle’s delivery system made to Taylor’s gassiness was amazing. Also, since babies cannot cough or clear their throat, I suggest NOT rocking them back and forth while feeding.

If you choose not to breastfeed, the formula’s directions will tell you to throw out the unused portion of the bottle after each feeding. Give me a break! If you do, like we did for weeks, you’ll be wasting a heck of a lot of formula and money! Do not leave the unused portion unrefrigerated. Yes, refrigerate your unused formula. Taylor drank cool (and even cold) milk from her first week of birth. It won’t hurt them, regardless of what the books say.

Do clean your bottles in boiling or steaming water and/or hot soapy water. You can’t imagine how filthy they get and how easy it is to miss a speck of formula here or there.

Colic myths and facts: Look these up! It seems that every other person we spoke to had a colicky baby. Colic is a rare, and, in my opinion, over diagnosed.

Diaper bag: Have two: one for trips, grocery shopping or visits; and the other for quick errands to the mini-mart or to stores, like Borders or Barnes and Noble, which do not supply shopping carts for their customers. Our main diaper bag has everything one can possibly imagine in it: diapers, wipes, plastic bags (for poops!), anti-bacterial hand wash, anti-bacterial cleaner (for baby changing stations– yuck!), a spare change of clothes (you never know when baby will have a blow out!), teething toy(s), medications (Tylenol, Tiny Tummys’, etc., etc., etc.), changing pad, A&D ointment, baby powder, a burp cloth, a small can of formula, etc., etc., etc. Our second diaper bag contains diapers, wipes, plastic bags, and A&D ointment.

Exercise: I wish I could have exercised more before Taylor was born. Some days it’s nearly impossible to even complete a set of push-ups and sit ups without tripping over toys or toy. Forget going to the gym—unless your partner agrees it’s a good idea for you to get out of the house for a little bit, because that means one of you will be left alone with the little one while the other is lavishing in his or her free time. It’s hard work watching the little one; it’ll be even harder if the one watching knows that you’re off greedily doing what they would love to be doing! At the same time, it’s good to get away from the little one every once in a while (see Accepting Help). And, being greedy every once in while, like catching a couple of extra hours of sleep instead of waking up and feeding the baby during “your turn”, will do everyone a world of good. Sometimes you need to be greedy with your sleep or your alone time.

First six-weeks/swallowing/larva stage/4th trimester: The first six weeks after birth is hell. I questioned, and I know my wife did too, whether having a child was worth the pain and suffering we were experiencing. I questioned myself a lot during this time. I pray you won’t have to deal with what we had to with Taylor’s acid reflux, but if you do, hopefully I can spare you the anguish. Regardless, hang in there. It does get better.

With healthy babies, the first six weeks is considered the fourth trimester. Your child will, God willing, pretty much be a larva for the first month and a-half. Then, like a snap of the fingers, she or he’ll come alive and actually become a baby. Trust me, it’s the weirdest and most exciting thing to experience.

During the first six weeks we did not travel any great distances. Even my folks, living only two hours away, visited us, instead of the other way around. However, by the second month we were much more comfortable with Taylor in the car and began taking her out of the house.

I do remember being very concerned with colds and viruses since Taylor hadn’t been inoculated yet. Having a wife that a nurse can open one’s eyes up to too much!

Generally though, during these first six weeks, when your child cries they are hungry, tired, wet, hot or cold. Period. Taylor did not start her manipulative crying until she was a few days over six-months-old.

Intimacy: There were days we were at each other’s throats– mostly because we were so damn tired! Eleven months later, those days still rear their ugly heads. Remember, it’s not one late night that throws off your sleep schedule; it’s the accumulation of the increased stress, late nights, early morning feedings, and random, unknown little problems, which pop up unexpectedly during the day and in the middle of the night that will get the best of you. What has saved us during the early stresses is the amount of time we spend together doing the littlest things: cooking dinner, cleaning, going out for a joy ride, savoring a cup of coffee together…anything. Forget the idea of spending quality time together: quality time is derived from a quantity of time. As for sex…it takes a little planning. For us, since we were both working, my wife was still in school, and Taylor was having such a terrible time with acid reflux; which hurt her terribly so at night, intimacy was hit or miss: Be prepared for a perfect week of flirtation and planning to be utterly destroyed by a fussy baby at the worst possible moment. You gotta love kids!

In-law, mom, and others (including us): Everyone has a piece of advice about how you can or should raise your little one. Some of the advice, mostly the unsolicited kind, is aggravating to listen to, especially since you will be the one suffering and they will not be. Some advice is worth its weight in gold; others are a waste of your time to listen to. Good luck figuring it out!

Mylanta: Much like Tiny Tummys’, Mylanta was a lifesaver for us. A full tablespoon will quickly quell a bawling baby with an upset stomach, while a teaspoon at night will loosen the toughest stool to be passed in the morning. (You may also want to try Tiny Tummys’ laxative drops.)

Syringe: The plastic thing-a-ma-jig with a bulb at the end will become your best friend and your baby’s worst enemy. When born, babies cannot clear their throat or blow their nose. Instead, they will just spit up. And, incidentally, spitting up helps aggravate acid reflux. I have not researched why this is, but I know it to be true. We kept one syringe near our diaper changing station and another one in our diaper bag. Make sure the one you use is made of soft rubber; the hard rubber is not flexible nor is it comfortable for baby.

Tiny Tummys’: Anti-gas drops. These come in a couple different names: Mylicon is the most notable, and expensive. You can give your little one up to twelve doses of the drops. They are amazing! For us, this is our first line of defense against those aches and pains a growing baby has. Tiny Tummys’ also makes laxative drops.

Vacuum cleaner (loud white noise): For the first several weeks, loud white noise “resets” a crying baby. Dear God, for your sanity, buy a cheap, noisy vacuum cleaner. Again, trust me.

Work and play: Forget about it! Those endless hours of work you once enjoyed, or needed to do to pay the bills, are all but over– unless you are willing to go without sleep. And trust me, burning the candle of both ends usually ends up with painful fingers. I don’t have the answer as to how to handle work and parenthood. Our solution was for one of us to stay at-home. Good luck! As for play…although we did travel with Taylor during her second month, trips are not easy. Nearing her fifth month we were able to take her out and about in the baby jogger; and by the sixth month she tolerated the baby backpack quite well. Otherwise, be prepared to drink copious amounts of caffeine, have zombie-like days, and daydream of days gone by.

Well, this ends my shortened list of unsolicited advice, for now. Good luck brother– call us if you have any questions!