Another Milestone.

Taylor reached another growth milestone the other day. With her ankles and little pink Robeez shoes suspended over the lip of the infant car seat and the five-point shoulder strap unable to comfortably lie across her shoulders without stubbornly rubbing against her neck, she has outgrown her rear-facing car seat. When did she grow so much? Is she really over 22 lbs. and 26 inches long? It seems like only yesterday she was wearing 6/9-month infant clothes; and now her barely fitting, dragonfly embroidered dungarees look more like a pair of capris on her than Levis!

I remember how excited I was my first few days at home with Taylor before the responsibilities of becoming the primary caregiver had sunk in. I intended to treat those first few days as a mini vacation before creating those dreaded routines I had read about in the What to Expect books and our first few free copies of Parenting magazine we sent away for while waiting in the delivery room at the local hospital nearly nine months ago. I have never been one for creating routines. My style, as affably commented on by a good friend last year and quickly seconded by the high school students I taught, can be described as organic. I have always enjoyed wandering off the beaten path, becoming lost in the details, and drinking my morning coffee lackadaisically throughout the day. Little did I know on June 20th, 2007 those days were over.

I was a rookie at-home father for about a week before the severity of the staying at-home decision forced me to make a choice: remain a rookie and flounder for the next year or learn how to become a veteran childcare professional. While I still feel like I am transitioning between being the primary moneymaker and the primary provider, at least understand my new job a little better.

My growth as a stay-at-home father has paralleled Taylor’s physical sprouting. At first, the two of us were stuck inside our small apartment, venturing out only for groceries, stamps, and the occasional trip to the bookstore. The hazy, hot, and humid Vermont weather caused prickly heat rashes to flare up across her sensitive pale skin as quickly as my fear of public scrutiny curtailed our movements outside the home. What would I do if she started crying uncontrollably in the grocery store line or if she pooped while I was contemplating buying a Herman Melville or Nicolas Sparks novel at Borders? My God, what would people think? Is this guy a doofus? Where’s the baby’s mother? Like the eyes of Doctor T.J. Eckleburg in Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby, I felt the world staring down and judging me. And I “knew” they were staring at me, because I am a man doing a “woman’s” job, right; shame on me.

The cooling weather of late summer and early fall, her physical growth, “grandma’s” constant support and advise, and the self confidence in my abilities to take care of whatever problems arose magnified 100 fold the pleasures of staying at-home. Oh, I also learned that dishes should be washed immediately after their use, the stove’s surface is not self cleaning, dinner takes a lot longer to prepare than it ever did, laundry is now my responsibility and all articles of clothing do have their own particular place on the shelf, creating a home environment, that means, at the very least, dusting and vacuuming, needs to be done more than once per week, and my wife works hard at her job. I cannot expect that when she walks through the front door it is like a tag-team wrestling match: she is not “it” and I should not expect her to take over watching, caring, and entertaining Taylor the moment she finishes with her shower.

As Taylor passes her ninth month of life I feel like my gestational period of being a brand new stay-at-home father is also passing. I am making progress by bringing her to new places and meeting new people, even when she is fussy or tired; long drives are considered a mere nuisance not a short-term imprisonment, and routines, like the dreaded bedtime routine, are considered challenges and not hindrances.

This winter holds great promise. Already we are planning trips to both sets of families, my parents to the north and my wife’s family to the south. Between now and then I am finding new places to visit with her, looking for playgroups to join, since the playing outside is getting a little cold, and finding new ways to help her look at old things in a new way. Over the next several months we’ll continue our growth together and slowly experience life in a whole new, confident way.